Artificial Ineptitude
The World Health Organization has enlisted the help of an AI bot to help persuade smokers to quit - just do it there way and don't expect a serious relationship
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by Dave Cross
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“Make it a date,” says The World Health Organization.
On Florence’s landing page, she writes: “This will be just like a video call where we can talk face to face. If that sounds ok, please turn on access to your microphone and camera when we request it.”
I was a little nervous. First I was setting myself up to chat with a strange artificial woman, the next minute she’s referring to herself in the plural as if she’s part of the Borg Collective [link]. Actually, thinking about it, the similarity between The World Health Organization and a hive mind Collective bent on using technology to forcibly assimilate individuals is powerfully compelling.
But what the hey. I’ve been isolated from most of the planet for the best part of 2020. What could go wrong?
“Please call me from a quiet place and let’s keep this one-on-one for now.”
I’ve never had an affair. The closest I’ve ever come to a dalliance behind my wife’s back has been when I claim I’m meeting friend for a coffee and treat myself to a now banned bacon sandwich. I’m feeling guilty and confused. “One-on-one for now”? I’ve heard about those people who go in for vibrant lives with key fobs in the fruit bowl. Is that where this is heading?
Florence appears on the screen.
Florence: “What would you like to talk about?”
For a second I’m lost for words. As a husband and a father, I think the last time anybody expressed an interest in something I had to say was back in 2000. Florence actually wants to talk to me about a subject of my choosing. For a brief second I considered a discussion about whether bands should be allowed to tour under their original name after the singer leaves, but then I remembered what this was meant to be all about.
Hardworking POTV news hack: “Vaping.”
Florence didn’t mess about: “The scientific evidence regarding the effectiveness of e-cigarettes as a smoking cessation aid is still being debated. I would recommend you use proven tobacco cessation methods for quitting.”
Confused POTV news hack: “But it is 95% safer than smoking, isn’t it?”
Florence: “I missed that, say it again.”
Irritated POTV news hack: “E-cigarettes are said to be 95% safer than smoking.”
Florence: “The scientific evidence regarding the effectiveness of e-cigarettes as a smoking cessation aid is still being debated. I would recommend you use proven tobacco cessation methods for quitting.”
Honestly, if this is what it’s like on a date in 2020 then I’m glad I’m happily married. Either the WHO have got a perverse notion of dating or young people have my genuine sympathies.
I tried pressing further.
Knowledgeable POTV news hack: “What about the Peter Hajek study, which demonstrated vaping was more effective than proven tobacco cessation methods for quitting?”
Florence: “The scientific evidence regarding the effectiveness of e-cigarettes as a smoking cessation aid is still being debated. I would recommend you use proven tobacco cessation methods for quitting.”
Bemused POTV news hack: “What if I’ve already tried proven tobacco cessation methods for quitting?”
Florence: “Sorry, what was that?”
Frustrated POTV news hack: “I’ve already tried NRT and it didn’t work.”
Florence: “I still didn’t catch that. Can you rephrase.”
No, this isn’t dating. I know what this is. This is my entire life since becoming a father. This is the same conversation I’ve had about homework, doing the washing up, and tidying rooms. This is affected deafness.
Exasperated POTV news hack: “I’ve already attempted quitting tobacco with your proven tobacco cessation methods for quitting and none of them worked.”
There. Nobody could fail to understand every single slowly enunciated syllable. Florence didn’t fail to get the message.
Florence: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t seem like I can help you at this time. For now, please check out the World Health Organization website to find out how quitting tobacco is one of the best decisions you can make. Goodbye.”
Next time, I’m going to try her for opinions on Sergio Panini football sticker albums. Maybe she’s better at that than tobacco harm reduction, because when it comes to tobacco harm reduction it’s just garbage in, garbage out – less artificial intelligence, more artificial ineptitude.
Related:
- The World Health Organization’s AI – [link]
Photo Credit:
Borg ship image by S. Bartels from Pixabay
Space image by FelixMittermeier from Pixabay
Dave Cross
Journalist at POTVDave is a freelance writer; with articles on music, motorbikes, football, pop-science, vaping and tobacco harm reduction in Sounds, Melody Maker, UBG, AWoL, Bike, When Saturday Comes, Vape News Magazine, and syndicated across the Johnston Press group. He was published in an anthology of “Greatest Football Writing”, but still believes this was a mistake. Dave contributes sketches to comedy shows and used to co-host a radio sketch show. He’s worked with numerous start-ups to develop content for their websites.
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