A New “E-Vape device”
A “new E-Vape device” has been “invented” to help wage war on harm reduction and vilify vaping
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by Dave Cross
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“There is a new device that has been invented by a company. It’s, uh, alcohol research incorporated. Maury Cole is here to explain how this new device works. We also have Mark Powell,” explained the tongue-tied host. “The very, very important issue, because we know, and we have been reporting for many, many months now, that vaping is a very serious, heavy, common, serious problem. Especially among our youth.”
“Yes, yes,” agreed the pair of guests. To this point, it really wasn’t clear what they were agreeing with given the garbled introduction.
“You, sir, your company has created an ‘E-vape’ device to show kids, to educate, the kids and their families. What happens when you vape? Is that correct?”
Viewers may have been wishing the company had invented a device to improve the host’s diction at this point.
Maury Cole responded: “Yes, you are correct. Right now you have your lungs. What we have is a simulated lung that shows exactly what’s going on [it doesn’t], once you started smoking e-vape. One of the biggest problems that’s going on right now is when kids are smoking it, only X amount of the vape comes out.”
Pretty damn educational so far.
“But there’s an amount that stays in and turns back into a fluid, and that’s what’s collecting in their lungs and causing all the sickness [it isn’t]. So, when you have the vitamin E in all of that. So, once you take a vape in not all of it comes out, but it turns into condensation and it stays in the lungs.”
“When that stays in the lungs that’s where the big problem is coming from. So, to have this apparatus in the schools to show the kids, well, OK, when someone hands you a vaping device, and you don’t exactly know what it is, this is what’s going on [nope, it still isn’t]. OK, you might not, it might be something playful to you at the moment, but you need to understand exactly the harms of it. And the, the, end result.”
“Absolutely,” responded the host to the barrage of nonsense.
La Jolla Alcohol Research promotional video
“And here we have a brand-new device invented to help educate and really see what the effects could be like,” added the host, cascading words into a random order. “You mentioned, you know, vape devices, my gosh there’s so, bi…there’s so many different kind.”
Then we discovered that, apparently, Mark Powell is “all over this” because his “big passion is to combat drugs, alcohol, among our youth.” Mark has all the appearance of a man who holds a big passion for staring at paint drying.
“What kids are doing are bringing in devices like this,” and he proudly holds up a watch. “This device will look like a regular watch.” It’s not ‘will’, Mark, what you are holding looks exactly like a watch now. “But when you push this button on the side and pull out what looks like the face, it’s actually a vaping pen vaping device. Teachers are unaware.”
Mark went on to demonstrate his Q-like abilities by exposing a memory stick as a vape device, “where the drugs or the nicotine goes in here.”
“And even to the degree,” he added without starting the sentence – but then who can blame him as he was probably very excited about showing his latest collection of toys that he knows nothing about on actual television. “And even to the degree where you’ll have a hoodie sweatshirt. Do you have a hoodie sweatshirt? This little strand right here is actually part of the pipe. And the pipe is hidden inside the hood itself [it isn’t a pipe].”
“So, parents and teachers are having a really hard time just identifying what, what my kids are doing, or what the students are doing.”
It wasn’t explained why anybody other than Mark himself wants to know what Mark’s kids are doing, or why his ability to talk deteriorated to the stand of the host’s quicker than you could scream ‘teen epidemic’.
The “invention”, we are promised, won’t come with rats and mice, but it will come with facial recognition software that emulates the impact of vaping “methamphetamine”.
“But, we are going to add a shock element to it,” explains Maury, “where the tablet is going to send them a text message and say they died in the night. Then they can come in the next day and do the mathematics of death.”
It doesn’t get more educational than that.
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Dave Cross
Journalist at POTVDave is a freelance writer; with articles on music, motorbikes, football, pop-science, vaping and tobacco harm reduction in Sounds, Melody Maker, UBG, AWoL, Bike, When Saturday Comes, Vape News Magazine, and syndicated across the Johnston Press group. He was published in an anthology of “Greatest Football Writing”, but still believes this was a mistake. Dave contributes sketches to comedy shows and used to co-host a radio sketch show. He’s worked with numerous start-ups to develop content for their websites.
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