Parliamentageddon

Rachael Maskell wants the Department for Health and Social Care to make an assessment of the implications to their policies “of research by Professor Martin Schwendler and Dr Chiara Herzog on changes to epithelial cells caused by vaping”.

In a superb display of ‘show me you don’t understand science without explaining that you don’t understand science’, Maskell quoted Dr Chiara Herzog saying “We cannot say that e-cigarettes cause cancer based on our study” in order to provoke fears of vaping causing cancer.

Yes, that does make as much sense as Devon putting faeces in drinking water.

Andrea Leadsom reminded absolutely nobody that, “Vaping is never recommended for children.” 

She went on to invent a warning that vaping, “carries the potential harms of future addiction while their lungs and brains are still developing. The health advice is clear, vapes can be an effective tool to help smokers quit, but young people and those who have never smoked should not vape, or be encouraged to vape.”

She concluded: “As stated by Cancer Research UK, this study contributes to our understanding of e-cigarettes, also known as vapes, but does not show that e-cigarettes cause cancer.” 

At this point, although it can’t be confirmed with actual facts, Andrea Leadsom then punched two puppies and a kitten in the face because it couldn’t be her claiming vapes cause cancer. With one swing of a cricket bat, a thirteen-week-old Retriever puppy flew out of the third floor window of the Department for Health. It was carnage.

Completely ignoring the animal abuse, Rachael Maskell continued by asking the Department if they fancy attempting to outdo her with baseless fears for pregnant women who vape.

Leadsom said: “Something something something our health advice on vaping is clear something something if you don’t smoke, never vape.”

With a departmental advisor pressing a gun to her temple, she continued: “Evidence to date suggests vaping is less harmful than smoking. Research funded by the National Institute for Health and Care Research finds that pregnant women who vaped, when compared to women who used Nicotine Replacement Therapy, were twice as likely to quit, and that both approaches were safer than smoking.”

The news that the Government is providing up to £10 million as a financial incentives scheme to pregnant women that is both evidence-based and pro-vaping probably caused Maskell to cry and throw rotten fruit at people in the street below Big Ben.

Closing the window, wiping fruity remnants from her hands, she asked the government to consider commissioning and accessing scientific studies to show that vaping has a physical and psychological impact. She hates vaping.

Andrea Leadsom hates vaping too, but that gun to her head forced her to repeat that thing about the health advice being clear. Then she remembered that thing from James Bond where the man known as James 007 overcame an armed assassin. Hitting the departmental advisor in the throat with an old copy of Nursing Times, the gun fell to the floor.

“The Government is concerned about the worrying rise in vaping among children, with youth vaping tripling in the last three years and one in five children having now used a vape,” she finished with a flourish, delighted that she could be evil again.

Leadsom sat down, stroking the corpse of the kitten she previously abused, mumbling “No, vapers of Britain, I expect you to die.”

And with that MPs around the estate heard an evil laugh echoing – but no one could tell if it was Andrea or Rachael.

Dave Cross

Journalist at POTV

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Dave is a freelance writer; with articles on music, motorbikes, football, pop-science, vaping and tobacco harm reduction in Sounds, Melody Maker, UBG, AWoL, Bike, When Saturday Comes, Vape News Magazine, and syndicated across the Johnston Press group. He was published in an anthology of “Greatest Football Writing”, but still believes this was a mistake. Dave contributes sketches to comedy shows and used to co-host a radio sketch show. He’s worked with numerous start-ups to develop content for their websites.